Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
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Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
The smoothest fall of all time
This did not end as expected.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.