Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers