Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
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Never mess with a drunken pig.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who