Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
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Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha