“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream