Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
When ur friends with white people
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
podcasts
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.