Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Can’t, holding a grudge
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”