I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
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IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
This one’s “Alex”.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?