{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.