“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
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You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Shower sex be like:
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Same post same
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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