My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this