opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
the last thing a carrot sees
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.