*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom