I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.