I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
You Might Also Like
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
No, he would not have.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers