Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 馃槙
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I鈥檓 either going to be way early or way late.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I鈥檓 the one following them around the house now.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Nothing to do, you say?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Never do anything you wouldn鈥檛 want to explain to the paramedics
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I can鈥檛 stop laughing 馃ぃ
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She鈥檚 a nurse apparently
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I鈥檓 not like other girls, I know when I鈥檓 being irrational. I don鈥檛 let it stop me, but still
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn鈥檛 put one on in the first place?