What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
You Might Also Like
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.