Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
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“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.