[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
You Might Also Like
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !