The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
therapist: I see
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Was it something I said?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
God: haha jk it’s just me
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx