The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
We’ve all been there…
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My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.