The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
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Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”