I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
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My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.