Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
You Might Also Like
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Lmao
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.