Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
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4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
This hospital has everything
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.