*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
2022 will be better than 2021
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal