Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop