I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
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I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.