[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
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*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
2 years later
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.