@MissHavisham

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

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@HallpassCanada

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

@Asher_Wolf

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

@isabelzawtun

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

@paulablu22

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

@Gre_Gone

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

@kenradio

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

@oldlinds

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??