@HallpassCanada You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
@MissHavisham Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
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@HallpassCanada 
@FlashSZN_ I thought this was funny lol
@Asher_Wolf Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
@isabelzawtun We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
@paulablu22 If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
@Gre_Gone Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
@kenradio No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
@oldlinds juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
@Marcmywords2 *jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
@Ivsy01 Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?