Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
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[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I have many caverns
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul