I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.