I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Saturday
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE