[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
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Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Never go to sleep after making me angry
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.