[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

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POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.


If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.


I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.


Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.


A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”


*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.


78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle