4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
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two people or more is called a problem
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.