When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually