I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Knock Knock
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
And bowling should be called pinball
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.