Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
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non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password