Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”


This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.


If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.


Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.


Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*


At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)


They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.


Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.


[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon