Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us