@lowkyhurt

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

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@CrisMtzgr

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

@dmc1138

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

@slimmy_shady

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

@BegoniaLuv

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

@BlindChow

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

@AimeeHelene1

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

@UnFitz

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

@TraylorParker

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

@gogglepossum

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon