I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
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Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
How did we not see this back then?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?