Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.