I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
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My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Education is vital
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
shampoo implies shampee