I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
then why did i get this email
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that