peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
You Might Also Like
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.