My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs