What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
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[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I’m Sold!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”