I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
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Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law