The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
You Might Also Like
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake