Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…