Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
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[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes