There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
When I said I liked it rough.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No