a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”