Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
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[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.