My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
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My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
hmmm
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?