My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
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Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
(more comics:
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.